My Life is in His Hands

September 15, 2021 felt like a normal Wednesday. It was a bit special since instead of dropping my little girl at my friend’s house for a play, Sarah and her daughter came into town with us. She took the girls for a walk around Kmart while I went to the gym after 3 sessions off. It felt good to be back.

Later on, I had an appointment with the haematologist I’d been seeing the last few weeks. As you know, if you’d read my post last year, I’ve had random lumps show up on my neck. They’re now on both sides and recently another has grown under my left armpit.

After several visits to the GP, blood tests, and a couple of biopsies I kept hearing, ‘everything seems normal. The lumps are just normal lymphatic fluid.’ But I pressed on. Because why would my body keep developing these swollen lymph nodes? I consulted a naturopath also who did a hair test (don’t ask me how that works). She suspected that my swollen nodes and dermatitis on my fingers and arms was likely due to an allergic reaction.

My list of allergenic foods/products came back and I began an elimination diet.

Currently I’m avoiding:

- most gluten products

- chicken eggs

- tomatoes

- soy products (except tempeh)

- green beans

- white sugar

- cows milk and yogurt

- watermelon

- kiwi fruit

- passionfruit

- white rice

- and several other things

I’ve also started taking several natural/herbal supplements to boost my immune system and help manage the flair ups.

I take NeuroCalm, Dermavital and a powder called Alergenics.

Anyway. The haematologist requested some more tests; blood (6 vials), CT scan and a core needle biopsy. So I had those done and this consult would update me on the progress. He has suspected but wanted to rule out an autoimmune condition like lupus and the like.

I sat down, we exchanged pleasantries and then he told me. ‘Your biopsy confirmed you have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma’.

To which I responded, ‘And that is?’ ‘A form of blood cancer.’

I assumed that he was waiting for me to have a very viceral, emotional breakdown moment. But I didn’t. We kept talking about what it meant, what happened next. He dropped the term ‘chemotherapy’ in there also. And that’s when it occurred to me… ‘Do I have to stop breastfeeding?’

When he confirmed that yes, I do, that’s when I broke down a little.

Interestingly though, while we went through the general details, the phrase that kept running through my mind wasn’t ‘Will I lose my hair?’ It wasn’t, ‘why me?’ It wasn’t even ‘this is so unfair’. What I heard over and over again was the lyrics to Kirk Franklin’s song ‘My Life is in Your Hands’.

You don't have to worry And don't you be afraid Joy comes in the morning Troubles they don't last always For there's a friend named Jesus Who will wipe your tears away And if your heart is broken Just lift your hands and say

I know that I can make it I know that I can stand No matter what may come my way My life is in your hands

And I’m not worried. I’m not afraid. I have an overwhelming peace within me.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I know the One who holds me and the future in His hands.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

So now you know. I don’t want this blog to become a cancer blog, so if you’d like to keep up to date with my progress, please subscribe and I’ll send out newsletters (not too many, perhaps fortnightly or monthly) with where I’m at.

Otherwise, the regular Casual Grace posts will still be coming. Perhaps at times a little delayed in busy seasons.

Thank you for your prayers and patience

N.