In the Blink of an Eye

Submitted by Katy Matteo

Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21).

When I sit to contemplate the events of the last few years, I do so with great sadness and pain. You see, for the last few years my husband and I have been wanting to have another baby. We have the most beautiful three year old daughter and we would love to expand our family. In late August 2009 we were thrilled to find out we were expecting. With great anticipation we planned for the future of our family, excited about meeting this baby growing inside me. However almost 12 weeks into the pregnancy I started bleeding and shortly after we learned that out baby was no longer alive. This news devastated us to say the least, not to mention the five days of physical agony I had to endure. I couldn't understand how this could happen when my pregnancy with my daughter was so worry-free. We had prayed so hard for this child it was hard to understand how this was part of God's plan for our lives.

Well, after awhile we started trying again for a baby, longing to have another child. With each month that passed my sadness seemed to increase and I kept asking myself why we couldn't fall pregnancy again. After almost 12 moths, our joy was hard to contain when we learned that once again we were blessed to be pregnancy. We wanted to keep it a secret at first in case we lost this baby too, but we were so excited that it wasn't long before we blabbed to just about everyone we knew. All of our friends and family were so excited because they too had been praying that this would happen. I wish I could say that this was a happy ending but again, about 10 weeks into the pregnancy, we learned that our baby was no longer alive. Last week as I waited in hospital to have surgery to remove the baby I had an experience that I would like to share with you.

I was lying in the bed about to go to theatre and the thought crossed my mind, 'what happens if, when I an under anaesthetic, i can still feel the pain but I'm unable to let them know?" After a little prayer my fears were somewhat eased and I was taken into theatre. I remember them telling me to breathe into the mask and my next conscious thought was waking up in the recovery ward. I breathed a sigh of relief, happy to still be alive, but heartbroken that I no longer carried out child within me. I thought for a moment about how strange it felt to be put to sleep and have no other thoughts until I awakened in a different place. it reminded me of something. Would this be what it is like at the resurrection? To die and go to sleep in Jesus, then our next conscious thought is to see Jesus's face? What a beautiful thought! Instead of this experience, where my next conscious thought was one of sadness and emptiness at losing my child, instead my next thought at the resurrection will not be one of pain, but of absolute happiness.

I thank God for the little reminders such as this that, although our time here on earth is not without its pain, we can look forward to spending an eternity with Christ in the sweet by and by. I don't even begin to try to understand the plan God has for our lives and whether or not any more children are part of that plan. I know that the loss of our first baby has led me on various paths that I would never have otherwise taken; starting a Masters degree and running a half marathon would have been laughable to me a year ago. I don't know what else is in store for our family but this I do know, I am looking forward with great anticipation to the resurrection morning when I get to see Jesus and meet my two babies that I miss so dearly. So I pray that you too will be there on that beautiful day and that we can look forward to a future with no pain or sadness or suffering.

Katy is a teacher and pastor's wife in Hobart, Tasmania where she lives with her husband and two children, Grace and Samuel (born November 2011). This testimony of motherhood and loss was written several years ago.