Love.

As a teen and young adult, I was intent on reading the books I needed to so that when the time came for me to find my 'perfect man', I'd know it was him and I'd be confident in my decision to join with him for life.

Among the various titles on my bookshelves, you’d have found the following:

- Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy

- I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Josh Harris

- Praying for Your Future Husband by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Moyer

- 10 Commandments of Dating by Ben Young and Samuel Adams

- For Young Women Only by Lisa Rice and Shaunti Feldhahn

- Finding a Man Worth Keeping: 10 Dating Secrets That Work by Victorya Rogers

It was only recently, when a friend returned the last title that I remembered I had ever owned it. As I flipped to the contents page, I rolled my eyes. While for some the advice in these books is valuable, it occurred to me that books like these can set some unrealistic expectations for young women with a desire for marriage.

I’m not getting into a discussion about contentment and fulfillment in marriage vs. singleness. This is NOT what any of this is about. I believe you can have a very full and richly rewarding life with and for God whether you’re single or married. I also believe you can have a dull, lonely, unfulfilled life whether married or single.

No, my issue is that we have this culture now where we seem to have placed a lot of focus on finding the right partner (nothing wrong with that), and living an exceptional life (nothing wrong with that either) and believing if we do the right things and make the right choices we’ll get that perfect person and life.

But guess what... if you do choose to get married to someone, you are a human who is marrying another human. In human efforts you are sinful and flawed and so is your spouse. It means life won’t always be exceptional, social media worthy, fun. It means you’ll disagree, become disappointed at times, perhaps even bored at times.

I’m writing mostly for the women now, because we tend to be the ones who overthink, overreact, and become highly emotional when our ‘perfect man’ is revealed to be just a man, a bloke like every other.

The secret isn’t ‘finding a man worth keeping’, it’s seeing the worth of the man you’ve found and deciding daily to keep with him.

I was reminded of this recently through two examples. The first is a great song by Ruelle called 'I Get to Love You'. I loved the lyric in the first verse which sets an amazing precedent for marriage. It says, 'I prayed for you, before I called you mine'. It's such a simple thing to do. Pray. Pray before you meet, pray when you meet, pray as you walk toward the altar. Pray thereafter. If nothing else, if you can't make the time to worship together, and study God's Word, at least pray for and with each other.

But I especially appreciate the title, 'I get to love you'. I get to love you. It's a privilege to get to love someone. It's not your right. Hearing the song and that line especially made me realise that loving my husband is something that has been granted to me. Through thick or thin, as he is. My calling as his wife isn't to change him or to fix him. Nor is it his calling as my husband to fulfill me or 'complete me'. Only God can do that. But in our marriage, we get to love each other. We get to discover the intimate knowledge of another person. We get to experience unity with someone. We get to show that to each other and to others.

Another unlikely place that spoke to this idea of loving and sticking by your spouse came from a memoir I've been reading recently for book club (yes, I'm in a book club). It's called Saving Levi by Lisa Misraje Bentley.

She writes of adoptive parents and the potential 'natural' bond to their adopted child. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm sure you're wondering how I connected adoption to marriage. Here's the part that spoke to me,

'You must simply love in deed first, and the feelings of love will follow. Our society has this love thing all twisted around. We think the basis of love is our feelings, but it's not. The New Testament teaches that love is a decision to act. Love is always about what you do for others, not what you feel' (p. 92).

1 John 3:18 says, Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. If you spend any length of time with someone in close quarters, I guarantee at some point, no matter how fleeting, you'll get to a point of 'not feeling it'. That's when love has to kick in. When you don't feel like it. Because that's what love is - action not emotion.

N.